He who is without sin
by Jing Mei Chen
Summary: Jing Mei faces a life changing event with the help of her friend


Every finger in the room is pointing at me  
I wanna spit in their faces  
Then I get affraid what that could bring  
I got a bowling ball in my stomach  
I got a desert in my mouth  
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now  
  
"Dr.Chen"  
  
Deb turned around startled by the sight of the police officers in the   
doorway of the exam room."I'm with a patient"  
  
The man on the table nodded slowly  
  
"Dr.Carter will cover you"  
  
Deb turned and glared at Carter,standing behind the uniformed men.  
  
"You should go Deb" he said sadly  
  
"It's about your niece..........."  
  
  
Deb dropped the chart from her hands,"Leilani?"  
  
The officers nodded  
  
"oh god" Deb cried  
  
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets  
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets  
I've been raising up my hands  
Drive another nail in  
Just what God needs  
One more victim  
  
  
"Jing Mei?"  
  
Deb rubbed her eyes,and looked up at her sister.Her eyes were blood   
shot and the woman looked 50 years older.  
  
"It's Leilani..Oh Jing mei!They keep saying it's a hate crime..they   
wanted her dead because she's Chinese"  
  
She took a deep breath,biting her lip till Deb tasted blood.Deb   
looked around her..at the beige walls and the generic paintings that   
were beginning to blur together."is she?"  
  
Her sister nodded slowly,"she's dead"  
  
Why do we crucify ourselves  
Every day I crucify myself  
Nothing I do is good enough for you  
Crucify myself  
Every day I crucify myself   
And my heart is sick of being in chains  
  
The area around the admit desk blurred into one loud buzzing movement   
all around her.  
  
"why don't you take off the rest of the day?" Dr Greene stood in   
front of her  
  
Deb narrowed her eyes as he came into focus,"I'm fine" she said lamely  
  
"At least take it easy"   
  
Deb nodded and grabbed a chart.  
  
*******************************  
  
"hello Mr Johansen"  
  
"It's been some day,hasn't it?"  
  
Deb nodded,watching the old man stand by the window,looking outside.  
  
"It was a beautiful day" he replied  
  
************************************  
  
Deb stood frozen,at the front desk  
  
"You okay?" Carter touched her shoulder,causing her to jump  
  
Deb nodded,looking at the phone in front of her."She just asked me to   
pick out something for Leilani to be buried in"  
  
"your sister?"  
  
Deb nodded  
  
"Do you really want to do this?"  
  
She shook her head,"Will you come with me?"  
  
Carter raised his eyebrows,"Of course" he touched her hand  
  
Deb smiled sadly,"I shouldn't be doing this"  
  
"this shouldn't have happened"  
  
Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love  
I gotta have my suffering  
So that I can have my cross  
I know a cat named Easter  
He says will you ever learn   
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird  
  
  
"is that Chen's niece?" randi pointed to the front page of a newspaper  
  
"I don't know" Dave glanced it over,"Lemme see"  
  
Randi shrugged  
  
"Dude" he muttered,running his eyes over the words,"That's sad"  
  
"It says" her voice dropped  
  
"they killed her cause.." Dave bit his bottom lip  
  
"Yeah"  
  
******************************************************  
  
"You ready?"  
  
Deb shook her head,buttoning her jacket,"Never going to be ready"  
  
Carter smiled sadly,"It'll be okay"  
  
******************************************************  
  
The house was empty when Deb turned the doorknob.She could feel   
Carter's breath on her neck."It's this way" Deb said quietly,her   
voice barely over a whisper.  
  
"Two weeks" she thought to herself as they walked down the dark   
hallway,"and it already smells musty". Deb stood in the doorway and   
let the tears run down her face.  
  
"Deb"  
  
She looked up at him,"Can I be angry?"  
  
He nodded  
  
"Cause I'm angry"  
  
Carter looked around,"Wanna tell me about her?"  
  
Deb shook her head,"Not yet"  
  
He nodded,"I'll be in the living room"  
  
  
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets  
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets  
I've been raising up my hands  
Drive another nail in  
Got enough guilt to start   
My own religion  
  
  
She held the clothes to her nose,and closed her eyes.  
  
"But Auntie!" Leilani laughed  
  
"A 18 year old girl has to smell good,it's the rules" Deb sprayed the   
perfume at her  
  
"Arrgghhh!" she laughed,running away,"Fine,fine.Buy it for me then"  
  
"Gonna smell pretty at college"  
  
Leilani blushed,"I hope"  
  
"Hope?"  
  
"Hope I make it to college"  
  
Why do we crucify ourselves  
Every day I crucify myself  
Nothing I do is good enough for you  
Crucify myself  
Every day I crucify myself   
And my heart is sick of being in chains  
  
On the bed side table was her opened diary.Deb felt a slight pang of   
guilt..those were her secrets,her thoughts.  
  
She sat down on the bed and took a deep breath,her chest heavy with   
sadness.  
  
"April 23rd-  
They said being mysterious is cool.I don't think they know anyone   
with real secrets..like me"  
  
"April 26th-  
Love could be the most amazing feeling, that's what people tell   
me.Keep smiling Lei, the boys will coming running.At least Eileen   
smiled at me"  
  
A shot of electricity jolted through Deb.She took a deep breath and   
kept reading  
  
" May 13th-  
I wouldn't chose to be this way..especialy since I know that if my   
parents knew they wouldn't love me anymore..Auntie either.I don't   
think I even love me anymore"  
  
Deb heard a sob escape her..  
  
"Deb?"  
  
She lookedup at Carter,tears running down her cheeks faster than the   
words could escape her mouth."She was gay."  
  
Carter nodded  
  
"they killed her because she was different"  
  
  
Never going back again  
Crucify myself again   
You know  
Never going back again to  
Crucify myself  
Everyday  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
